Keep reminding myself.

Back to Work

I went back to work on January 4th. For the most part its been wonderful. I enjoy seeing the kids, and the people I work with. I have been exhausted every afternoon though. To the point that I really don't want to even do anything after work..including cooking dinner for the kids. Thankfully, I don't have to do it except for 2 days a week. Joe is home on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, so he does the cooking on those days. I don't think we've ever planned it that way, it just happened during the last 2 years, if he's home, he cooks. Not very fair to him, I know, and I hate it, but I just can't focus on one more thing after work. I love my job, I enjoy most of the people there (there is one man that I just can't stand, and unfortunately, I have to have lunch with him every day. But, I can handle that.) , but the several hours there, and moving around, and remember I have been on my back/butt for about 6 months previous to going back to work, is just killing me. My back is achy, but I'm scared to go to the chiropractor, because laying on my front side? Not so comfy anymore. I know I need to go see my general practitioner because I need my thyroid checked, it's off by a lot, I am sure. I haven't had my cymbalta for months, because, honestly, I ran out, I was wide open, and didn't have the patience to see just one more doctor, and get poked and prodded and have MORE blood work. And, the money situation, while, we aren't as bad off as a lot of people, Joe has a great job, with a good salary, its hard when the 'extra' money you count on for simple things, like prescriptions, groceries, and random stuff isn't there for 6 months. I'm thinking that I definitely need to get back on an antidepressant, but I just don't want to go to the dr. I can feel the depression creeping back up on me though, and it is not going to give me a choice. I am rambling, not only here, but in my life too..not really sure what point I'm trying to make, but still trying to get there. Anyway, I love my job, I'm glad to be back to work, and I am pretty sure that by the time summer vacation rolls around, I'll be back in the swing of the job. :{ sigh..

New Year's Resolution

So, I've decided that the only resolution I am really going to make for 2012 is this: NO surgery at all this year. Its been a helluva long 2 years, after the double mastectomy, and the immediate reconstruction, and that not working, and the removal of the expanders, the port, the port removal, the Tramflap, and THAT not healing properly, and finally, the closing of the abdominal wound. I am surgeried out. I am tired of anesthetic. I know that the anesthetic has been a part of the short term memory issues I've had, on top of the chemo, and just the general stress of cancer period. So..no surgeries for me this year. God Willing.

Another Year Over...

I hope everyone has a wonderful SAFE NewYear's Eve tomorrow night. I am looking forward to going back to work on Wednesday. Finally!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It took only a month for Breast Cancer to take over my entire life. Well, thats not true. It took about 3 seconds. The day I felt the lump in the beginning of October 2009, I knew exactly what it was. I pretended for my friends and my husband and sons that I was keeping a positive outlook, and that it was more than likely just a little (Ha! if they had felt it....little...major understatement) cyst. I had a mammogram, and an ultrasound, because, although the dr could feel the lump, the mammogram couldn't find it. The ultrasound didn't have a problem finding it. 3 days later, I was having a needle biopsy, and 2 days after that, I was in my Gynocologist's office, and he told me what I already knew. I didn't know the technical terms of course, but I knew all I needed to. I had breast cancer. That afternoon, was so overwhelming, I really don't remember much other than telling my mother, and my sister. I asked my sister to call our older siblings and tell them. I couldn't do it again. I still had to tell my supervisor and my principal. I have never cried in my life at a job...until the day I told my principal. It sucked. I hate weak women. I am not a weak woman, and I don't come from weak women. At that moment, I really felt like I had let the women in my family down..we aren't weak, we don't cry, and we don't give up. Being in the principals office and telling her that I was going to have a temporary, albeit extended leave of absence. I didn't even know when I would be back to work. My supervisor that year was the librarian. Someone I trusted and thought was my friend. Turns out that cancer will shine a light on who your friends are, and who they aren't. When you see someone's dark corners and finally see exactly how little they care about anyone else other than themselves, its a difficult day. The librarian wasn't the only 'friend' that let me down. In fact, I was told by another friend that I wasn't "handling my cancer correctly". Yup..those exact words. I was doing it wrong. Who knew? I was just doing everything I could to not drown myself in self pity, and fear. I decided then, that if someone didn't like the way I handled it, and they were going to be a negative force in my life, they didn't need to be in my life. I lost 2 friends in the first month. But thats ok, because if they can't support me when I am at my absolute lowest point, they don't get to celebrate with my when I am at my highest point. I decided, and let my family and my friends know that there couldn't be any pity, no changing how we acted with each other, and NO CRYING in public. I can't handle that. A lot of the time as a cancer patient, we do our best to comfort our family and friends about what we are going through. If I can laugh through what I am going through, you sure as hell can, because watching it is NOTHING compared to living it.

I have a lot of wonderful friends at work that supported me and respected my wishes in the exact way in which I requested. Of course, if I was sick from my chemo, I wanted a little help to the car to go home, or just let me sit for a minute, and I'll be ok. But I wanted to keep on keeping on in the way in which they were accustomed to me. My body changed. My personality did not. I hope they know exactly how much easier they made it for me to come back to work, and know that they were looking at me, not me with cancer.